I can't sleep. For as tired as I am, these last few days my mind has just been spinning at night. Right now I'm thinking about Dresden mostly; specifically:
I went on Meetup.com to try and find a stay-at-home mom's playgroup, and every single group they listed had either a waiting list, or was open to members only, meaning I'd have to pay membership fees. I guess 12 dollars isn't all that much, but it just feels weird to me that I have to pay to be in their "club". Truth be told, I feel utterly and completely left out of the "Mommy Club" altogether. Part of what I'm thinking about tonight is how my son is 19-months-old and he has no friends his age to play with. My heart breaks about that. It seems like every other blogger I read or person I see posting on Facebook goes on and on about their little one's BFFs and play dates, and it seems their children are set for life where friends are concerned. We've lived in Texas for 6 months; I thought both Dresden and I would have at least some friends by now. Instead, every day I feel more isolated and lonely, and sad that my little boy won't have any kids at his birthday party, just like last year. Sorry to whine, that's just where my head is right now :-(
I also really think it would do Dresden so much good to play with other children and learn the concept of sharing and that he can't always have everything his way. That's the other issue right now, I feel like we are creeping up on the "terrible two's" already at 19-months. I feel like the "bad cop" soooo many times a day because I'm having to tell him not to do something, which usually involves physically prying him from whatever it is he's trying to do because the child does NOT respond to the words "No", "Don't" or "Stop". He simply glares at you, or flashes a cute smile, and keeps right on going. And he won't play with his toys, and the only time he sits still for books is at night before bed, and even then it's a struggle. Tonight, I'm feeling anxious and worried about things like: what if he never learns to play independently? What if he never loves books? And what if he is always so willfully disobedient? I don't know how to make him understand "no", and I'm already so tired of the whining and fighting every time he hears it.
I can't help but worry that his growth is being stunted because he will NOT eat enough. I hate that he eats like two bites of whatever he's having for dinner, and then the rest of the meal becomes his playtime where he makes huge messes and flings food onto the floor instead of into his mouth. He wastes SO much food, but the bigger issue is that it stresses me out soooo bad that he just won't eat a full meal. I think I can count on one hand the times when he's eaten all of a meal, and more than one thing at the meal, too. If we are lucky, sometimes we can get a combination down, like cheesy toast and soup and green beans, but more often, if you try and give him a taste of something different from what he started out eating he will lose interest in his meal altogether and starts spitting out every bite you give him. That makes it impossible to give him anything balanced. I'm kind of at my wits end about it.
I am thinking as much as I can about the positives, too, trying to make them supersede all my worries and fears. I was thinking about how whenever he leaves to go do something, like get something out of his room, or hide behind something he has started to say "ByyyeeeMama" in one breath. And about how just a week ago he FINALLY started communicating "Yes" to things he likes or wants by nodding his head. He still won't say "yes", but he will nod it like a pro, and after hearing "No" to EVERYTHING for forever, it's so refreshing to see that little nod. Actually, it's not even little, he exaggerates the motion quite a lot. Very cute. Also, he's done the wake up at 5:30 a.m thing a few times this week so far, but we have been letting him "whine it out" (he doesn't really cry, it's a fake cry for attention), and it has been working. This morning I went to get him because I heard him laying there talking to himself, lol. I wonder what he talks about. He's added a few new words to his vocabulary, most notably "mammles" for "animals", which is pretty cool since "mammals" is mostly interchangeable there anyway, and "mimmit" for "minute". I think he hears me say "Just a minute" a lot, lol. And I have to remember that as much as things stress me out about his care and well-being, he does make me laugh a lot throughout the day, which is always a good thing.
Sorry this post is such a departure from what I'm normally posting about, but I also don't want this blog to just be about awesome pictures and all the roses and daffodils of daily life, because we all know there are thorns. Well, not on the daffodils. But you know what I mean. Forgive me for such a long-winded pity party, but I just needed to get my thoughts down before they kept me up all night long. Please try not to judge this nervous first-time mom too harshly...Needless to say, most of all, thank you for reading!
Love,
Cassie
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