I'm gonna be honest...

Things are hard right now. As everyone knows from Facebook or first hand, Alex was laid off a week and a half ago. Again. The second time in 3 years. I am so over this economy, and all the uncertainty about our future and of feeling like we can never catch a break. It has been all I can do to try and keep my chin up and see the blessing disguised in all of this. Truthfully, I'm much better at looking at how so many other people's lives seem to be working out just fine for them and throwing a pity party for myself and for our family. I have tried really, really hard to count my/our blessings and remind myself of all the things we are lucky to have, and that helps. But there are those lump in throat moments that just make me cry. On Tuesday, during the cool down song in Zumba, the teacher was playing "Skyscraper" by Demi Lovato, and as I am stretching and trying to take deep breaths, I'm hearing the words:

You can take everything I have, you can break everything I am

Like I'm made of glass, like I'm made of paper

Go on and try to tear me down, I will be rising from the ground

Like a skyscraper...

And in the middle of a dim aerobic studio, while I'm stretching my hamstrings, hot tears wet my face and mingle with sweat, and I am weeping. At Zumba. The class I had spent the entire time smiling through just moments before. So, yeah, that's kind of where I am right now. Happy and hopeful one moment, despondent the next. The truth is, I do feel torn down and broken, and knowing that we are starting over from scratch and having to rebuild everything again is so overwhelming to me.

I really hesitated blogging about this, because I don't want to be a Debbie Downer. But I also said when I wrote that post back at my birthday that I wanted to start being more open with stuff on this blog, and so this is just me, keeping it real. Alex and I had been planning a trip to Chicago for Thanksgiving, which I was so looking forward to, and also a trip to Vegas to celebrate my 30th birthday this coming April. And while I know it's selfish and that in the grand scheme of things, those things don't matter, I can't help but feel really sad knowing neither thing may happen. At the same time, I know I can't think like that, that I have to stay positive, or else they will become a self-fulfulling prophecy. Ugh, a constant back and forth battle in my mind these days.

We are just praying that it won't take so long for him to find something else, and something better. We do recognize the blessing in that, the company he worked for was not a stable company and is not doing well, nor do they have good business practices, and Alex was pretty unhappy every day. We are thankful for the time we are getting to spend as a family, and that Alex can come swimming with us whenever we want him to, and do whatever else with us we want him to, for that matter. But still, that uncertainty, and in our family's case, that necessity for income because of bills and debt, is a constant cloud on our bright sunny days. I wish it didn't have to be, you know?

I know we will get through this, and that something good will likely be born of it. It's just keeping that perspective that is difficult at times. Luckily, we do have this sweet face to remind us of why we keep on smiling and keep on hoping...

Love,

Cassie