- The ability to chase my son around the house and play football with him in the backyard without getting out of breath after the first minute.
- A recent shopping spree with my mom to buy me many amazing new clothes, one item of which includes a pair of Size 16 jeans (To give you a comparison, when I started this journey, I was wearing a size 22). Size 16 may still seem huge to many of you, but for me, it's nothing more than a HUGE accomplishment!
- Hope for the future, that I will be able to achieve my ultimate weight loss goal by my 30th birthday in April, when there were so many times over this past year that I was fairly certain it could never be done.
- A life-changing love of Zumba, and the gift of being able to smile through an ENTIRE workout, multiple times a week. Zumba touts the "endorphin release zone" as part of its workout benefit, and I am living proof of those endorphin zones. I seriously feel like I could be in a J-Lo video when I'm in the middle of those classes, and aside from the great cardio workout, they just plain make me happy.
- The courage to join a 4-week bootcamp program with my friend Danielle. A year ago, the idea would not have been even remotely physically possible for me.
- A day-to-day not completely rife with pain over carrying so much weight around with me. A year ago, I cried to Alex every. single. day. from the pain I felt in my hips and feet. Now I feel pain in my hips and feet and shins...and back, and arms and shoulders, but it's because I've worked out and I'm "feeling the burn", so it's the pain that means a change is happening, not the weight-bearing pain I have been used to for the past 3 years.
- The ability to see from the perspective of an obese person, and to gain a sensitivity that is sorely lacking in our society. People become obese and morbidly obese for all sorts of reasons, none of which are our place to judge; and plus-sized people, if anything, need MORE compassion, not less than they currently receive. It's HARD being obese, difficult in every sense of the word, and it only makes things worse for a person who lacks offerings of support and love while they struggle on their way to becoming healthy.
- An arsenal of healthy, delicious recipes and a new appreciation for healthful, holistic cooking. I'm not completely there yet, and I still LOVE bread, meat, chocolate and cheese, so I definitely have to incorporate a healthy dose of moderation into my diet, but I now love looking forward to those treats every once in awhile, rather than numbing my daily emotional pain with thousands of calories-worth of each. There are days I definitely "fall off the wagon" and binge, but those days are once in a while, whereas they used to be every single day.
- A release from spirit-crushing fear of being out in public or meeting with friends or relatives. A year ago I seriously had issues going out in public, and family events were an emotional nightmare for me. I was convinced I could feel the judgment of everyone seeping under my skin, stranger and family member alike. It was paralyzing. Now, I look forward to seeing family again, and it doesn't help having them notice how far I've come from when they last saw me; I'm not gonna lie!
- The strength to know I'm never going back to that place of darkness and despair where food was my escape from the world. That is not to say I won't always struggle with my relationship to food, I think I have definite issues there. But now I've gained the confidence to know that nothing good lies in that miserable place. I did not enjoy life then, and consequently, was wasting precious time.
- An enjoyment in including myself in pictures on this blog and Facebook. I used to hide from embarrassment and shame, and consequently missed a lot of picture opportunities with Alex and Dresden. It still feels a bit narcissistic to put pictures of myself here, but at the same time, the fact that I actually want to, or don't mind doing it, is a gigantic step forward for me in terms of my self-esteem.
- The recognition that nothing worth doing is easy, but it is definitely worth it.
I'm sure the list could go on and on, and in a way, I wanted to introduce this topic formally so that it would be easier for me to talk about my healthiness journey here in the future. I feel confident enough in my progress right now that I thought this year milestone was as good a time as any. I still have many days of doubt and sadness and insecurity, but those days become fewer all the time. I hope if anyone else is reading this and going through the same struggles, that this will serve as an example that it truly is possible to go from being someone who hated working out with a passion and craved junk food all the time, to someone who craves workouts and has a completely different approach to food. Also, please know - it is absolutely imperative to take it day-by-day and one step at a time. Looking too far down the road or at the big picture can be so defeating and overwhelming; at least, I found it to be. But when you look to the end of the week, and then to the end of the month, and so on and so forth, and make sure to celebrate every pound, things keep getting easier every day until they are finally second nature. It CAN happen if you want it badly enough.
As I reflect on this journey, I am just six pounds away from having a '1' at the front of my weight, for the first time in three and a half years. Another small step, but a celebration I am absolutely giddy about having. I can see the finish line from here, finally, and it makes me want to work that much harder.
Thanks for letting me share all of this with you. I hope it's okay that it was a departure from the norm. As I continue to work on this area of my life, I hope to include more progress updates and maybe even recipes and other things I try to further myself along.
Love,
Cassie
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